thank fuck there's gin in the house

Entering the seventh week of this semester means that I only have seven weeks left as a student, after which, I'll be done for good.

And yet, I am nowhere near feeling ready to face the real world. Nowhere near figuring out what I want and where I want to be. I walk the path of privilege my parents paved for me and blow one day after another, with irresponsible lifestyle, bad sleeping patterns, and absent of drive and ambition.

In every sense of the word, I have regressed. Two years ago I performed a duet onstage and was in debating, which was the furthest from my comfort zone I've ever been. Just a year ago, I was organizing an art exhibition, running an international Scrabble tournament, securing sponsorship for a charity-centered project, and heading an art bazaar. Currently, I'm a nobody, doing nothing, who spends 4-5 hours a day on Youtube.

What worries me the most is the regret which will come with completing my degree. I spent the past three years half-assing through my education, never giving 100%, never having aimed for anything. Things went fine because although I never really excelled, I never really failed either, which gave me no motivation to push myself further.

I don't remember how it feels like to have an aim and to feel driven. My calendar is no longer marked with important events. I skipped social gatherings hoping to get studying done but it's just another lie I feed myself. I don't have proper hobbies. My days seem indistinguishable from each other. I am the human personification of an unmoving dot. I'm at the point of my life where I would get inked just to see something different about myself.

Things can only get better if I start with change, but I'm not sure how. I need to find myself: my interests, my strengths, my vision, my core.

I need purpose. I need to feel alive again.

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